This afternoon, I was talking to myself (I always do it when I need to motivate and advise myself), while looking for a job online because I need to get one asap, I realized how much the decisions taken those last months were taken, in the spark of the moment. Now I regret it. And I don’t know if it’s right to feel that way about it, after all that has happened, I can’t forget about him.
Today, I have no place of my own and no money to renew my visa. I don’t know how I will survive it all, but all I can think of is him, his hugs, kisses, and when he was holding my hand or making love to me.
‘You don’t need this now’, “You can’t think about him’, ‘You need to move on’, ‘Forget about him’, is what I tell myself trying to convince the other part of me who refuse to let him go. But she’s completely lost in him and I am confused. So, trying to analyse the situtaion, the silence between us, and the breakup to see if what I did was wrong and whether there’s still chances to come back together. But I’ve felt like it was a waste of time because the guy didn’t do anything that shows that he wants us back. No calls, nor text messages. Everyone is just living his life as if the other one had never existed.
Then I remembered that this was the main reason why I gave up easily on him, he has never shown any interest into our relationship to grow or become official. Sometimes I felt like I was forcing things, and he just wanted to have fun. Although, I don’t blame him for it, I am not a child. I should have seen it. So when it finally became clear to me that our relationship will never become what I was expecting, I ran away from him without a goodbye. Moreover, I wasn’t sure of what I wanted or if I was ready to be in this love affair without getting any assurance from him. What’s worst was that I was always doing everything possible to get his love and attention (of course with manners and discretion, it’s an art) because I wanted to be his girlfriend.
But honestly speaking, I’ve always knew deep down in my heart that if I wasn’t myself, and totally open with him, it will never work. So I think it is for the best and learning from those mistakes will help me build a strong and healthy relationship with someone else.
So it’s important to know where the relationship you’re getting in goes to, understand and respect what your partner expects and needs from you. Being able to speak up when you need to and feel safe and loved.
Well, I don’t know if I’ll meet someone who will bring out the best in me, who will make me feel good all of the time and with who I’ll be not afraid to be myself or make mistakes. For now, I believe is not the right time to date because I have so much going on.